Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Really? And an Apology!

"Actually, I think the average voice is like 70 percent tone and 30 percent noise. My voice is 95 percent noise."
--Harvey Fierstein

I accompanied Jack to the YMCA regional swim meet this weekend. There were 730 swimmers on the pool deck and 4 bazillion spectators in the bleachers. Signs posted clearly stated that the fire marshal will get really mad if there were more than 437 spectators in the bleachers. Therefore, we were packed in the stands, sweating in the 80-degree, humid air. I was sweated on, coughed on, elbowed in the ribs and kicked in the rear more times than I care to count. When Jack finished his last event on Sunday, I ventured down to the pool deck to help him pack up so we could get out of there quickly. 

Upon entering the pool deck, a nice gentleman in a safety-orange vest asked what I needed. I told him I just wanted to help a 10-year-old get his stuff out, thinking the gentleman would be grateful to have someone -- anyone -- leave the building. It was then that he informed me that he would have to escort me to Jack. When I asked him why, he let me know that it was a health regulation. 

What?

The fire marshal would have a coronary if he saw even the parking lot; the building could break the record for world's largest petri dish; and I saw people drop food on the cement floor, pick it up and eat it just to avoid going to the garbage can out of fear they would lose their seat. 

But I am a health violation?!

That's fine. But next time, I'm waiting until I get to the exit, and then I'm yelling "FIRE!" Good luck!

***

Secondly, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to the bearded gentleman in the passenger seat of a white work truck on Highway 378. He was stopped at a light with his window down. I was also stopped at the light with my window down. Unfortunately, I forgot my window was down and was singing along with Pandora at the top of my lungs. I can't remember the song, but I think it had vulgar language.

To you, sir, my deepest apologies.
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